Quit Your Day Job!
As none of you know, over the past several years I've been creating my very own Evil Empire. The civilized name of my Evil Empire is Miscreants of the World Association, Hookers And Herpes Accepted*. Otherwise referred to as MWA HAHA.
Airn-Who-Is-Also-Called-Muffy was my co-Evil-World-Takeoveress, but she has since run off with Stinky McNoodle and has no further interest in such things. As such, I've had to... liquidate... my previous staff. Security issues, you know.
I'm currently accepting resumes for the following positions within the organization:
Operator of Heavy Machinery: Duties to include the disassembly and exportation of banks as per the "Bank Thievery**" scheme, occasionally knocking down the houses of people I don't like, and anything else that comes up needing heavy machinery.
Resident Snob: Duties to include getting invited to all of the poshest parties and acting like a complete ass 24 hours a day. One cannot expect to have a reasonable Evil Empire without such a person.
Faux-Psychopath: Duties to include all of the things a normal psychopath would be expected to do*** except with genuine social skills and the ability to relax on weekends.
Assistant Faux-Psychopath: Duties to include following the instructions of the Faux-Psychopath and carrying around heavy luggage.
Chef: Duties to include randomly serving food with extreme side-effects**** to visiting dignitaries, fixing lovely little snacks involving cheese for my snacking pleasure, and any other situation that arises in which food is necessary.
Pool Boy: As I don't have a pool the duties will be limited, but I'll see what I can come up with.
If you have the desire to participate in the dastardly deeds of MWA HAHA but do not fit in any of the aforementioned categories, feel free to submit a resume anyway. We're always looking for new blood and fresh ideas.
Salaries are negotiable and based on experience, qualifications, past employer recommendations, and, in the case of the Pool Boy, the squeezeworthiness of the ass in a swimsuit. We offer a nice benefits package as well as yearly bonuses and mugs sporting the flashy new company logo.
We look forward to inducting you into our world of global miscreanting.
Love and kisses,
MWA HAHA co-Founder and President, Superkate.
*I've been looking for something else the HAHA can stand for as we don't really want herpes, but as of yet it's the only suggestion and we can't very well go around saying we belong to MWA, that would strike fear in the heart of no one and if we're not striking fear in anyone's heart just what the bloody hell are we good for?
**I abhor ordinary criminality, think how much more amusing it would be to steal the entire bank rather than just what is inside, imagine peoples' faces the next day
***Lying, cheating, stealing, garroting, etc.
****Such as explosive diarrhea and purple urine
posted by SuperKate @ 2:44 PM
17 comments
17 Comments:
Hmm... Well, I have been offered a teaching fellowship at Samson's School of Mad Science and Archvillainy...
I suppose I could work for MWA HAHA
I suppose that I could probably pull off the faux psychopath bit. Though I'd prefer a position that allowed for a costume; something like a lieutenant archvillain. I am, as it happens, a qualified Professor of Malevolence
I'm guessing you watched the D last night?
Who? I was at an Italian group with sweaty furry white people hoping to no avail to be shot repeatedly. I did meet a person connected tothe only people on the planet who actually scare me though. Which was interesting.
Anyway, who has ever heard of a Faux-Psychopath without a costume? We've got a full range for you to choose from - from your typical ninja pajamas to red vinyl pants and nipple rings (Beauregard - the last FP - was into that kind of fashion).
I suppose we could even arrange to have you on on a part time basis if you insist on pursuing teaching at SSMSA. We don't normally encourage such things as Miscreanting is really a full-time profession, but we would be remiss to pass up someone of your qualifications.
hmm... I'd have to browse. I'm thinking something heavy metal-ish
as for the esteemed Mr. Curran, I'd say that he's overqualified for the assistant position. Would he carry out his duties with astounding skill and efficiency? Of course. But he's also a lot more also the last person you would expect to join a villainous organization, so he'd make an amazing undercover operative. Also, the dear chap is every bit as crazy as I am, and in fact his madness exceeds my own in many respects.
and I was talking about Tenacious D. They were on Comedy Central last night, and one of the episodes was about urging musicians to quit their day jobs
I can be a flexible Evil-World-Takeoveress. Perhaps we could put the two of you together in a joint-Faux-Psychopath position. Doubleteaming... They'd never see that one coming.
You'll have to decide amongst yourselves though who has to carry the heavy luggage, I'm much to lazy for micromanaging.
Mr.Legend, we can arrange a for you a limited contract. Once you have completed the contract you can pursue any sort of world conquering activities you choose, so long as you don't interfere with the miscreanting of MWA HAHA. And really, what fun would Utopia be without a bit of mischief?
The penalty for such interference is to be hung upside down by your toenails for an indefinite period, which, I can assure you, will ruin your weekend of Olympic figure skating.
Also, Darling Essy, we have a lovely array of spikey things and black leather if that is the sort of fashion statement you would like to make.
I'm thinking some sinister long black leather coat thats like a trenchcoat that distinguishes itself in some sinister manner. Spikey things on the shoulder, perhaps. Also a pair of decidedly evil shades and a katana. Maybe some sort of cranial accesory as well
While I don't really fit any of the jobs listed, I would like to help take over the world. With that in mind, I shall apply for the position of "Keeper of the evil laugh." In times of true evilness, I can lead the group in a proper evil laugh, as befiting the specific event.
Are you two going for a Spy Vs Spy motif? Remember, you're supposed to working together, not against each other.
Also, MrLegend, while you are more than welcome to carry around sharp and/or pointy objects for pain and destruction, it is best to keep such things away from me. I find them dangerously distracting in a temping sort of way.
And remember that for us here at MWA HAHA, artistry is of utmost importance. We are not just about crime. That is petty and boring. Our artistic flair is what separates us evil-geniuses-bent-on-world-conquering from the common riff-raff.
MikeyPants - The Keeper of the Evil Laugh position is actually rotational. Everyone get's a shot at it at least once a year. The Faux-Psychopaths are however looking for a lackey. Might you be interested in that position? ;0P
I can try the lackey position, perhaps as a stepping stone to further greatness and artistic destruction.
Beaky, I would never get any evil work done with you in that outfit.
Submitted for the aproval of the President:
There's another way we could play this. We have (correct me if I'm wrong) three people who are interested in faux-psychopathology. We could separate it into three roles: Faux Psychopath/Resident Snob, Faux Psychopath/Infiltrator, and Faux Psychopath/Organizer. Each of us would bring a special flavor of evil, and we'd be broadening the range of the organization.
Also, I think that I'd be motivated to cause some serious chaos with Beaky as a coordinator.
Wait, I have figured out a job for me: Scary Tattoo Guy Who Is Nice To Small Animals but Slices Enemies into Kibble. I think I could pull that one off.
MrEssy, your plan meets with my approval. The Three-Pronged Faux Psychopath is indeed an excellent idea.
MsBeaky, grey works, just don't forget your briefcase. Are you going for the mousy-librarian-by-day-sexy-spy-stripper-by-night motif? That could end up being quite useful.
MrCoyotePants, would you be willing to operate heave machinery as well as turning loathesome creatures like Anonymous into kibble? As yet, no one has applied for the heavy manchinery position.
MrLegend, I believe Beaky's attitude towards kakhis stems from a persistent tendency to mispronounce the word as "cocky". Also, as of yet we lack the technical capabilities for taking over entire countries. However, we are working on a subversive and insidious psy-ops plan to turn the masses into quivering, jibbling puddles of terror and goo. Maximum effect for minimal effort. We are a lazy yet ambitious organization, you see.
I suppose I could operate heavy machinery. Would a wood-chipper work for kibble creation? Although, if I need to take special classes for the heavy machinery, it could take me a while to get up to speed. I prefer to do things like kibble by hand, using dull spoons.
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