Silly Italians

I was just perusing my statcounter thingy and found it entirely amusing that a student (or facutly member) from the University of Sassari (apparently in Sardegna - I've never heard of it either) was searching blogs for references to blowjobs and found me.

Because I'm silly I followed his search and found some other Italian silliness. Here are some delicious jokes from Il Cavaliere Dei Sogni (okay fine, I'll translate them at the end of each joke):

In carcere,tra nuovi compagni di cella,ci si raccontano le proprie disavventure.
-Tu come mai sei dentro?
--Io per omicidio!
--E chi hai ammazzato?
--Il ragazzo di mia figlia
--Come mai?
--Guarda,mettiti pure comodo perchè è una lunga storia.
Mia figlia ha 15 anni,per me è ancora una bambina. Il suo ragazzo era di 10 anni più grande di lei.Una sera lui è rimasto a cena a casa mia e si è chiuso nella stanza di mia figlia da solo con lei.Io sono un padre abbastanza moderno.però quando ho sentio dei mugolii mi sono incuriosito e mi sono messo a guardare dal buco della serratura...
-E cosa hai visto?
--Che lui si stava facendo fare un pompino da mia figlia...
-Allora hai sfondato la porta e lo hai ucciso?
-No...io ho pensato"So che è mia figlia ma prima o poi doveva avere la sue esperienze sessuali"...Così ho lasciato correre...
-Poi che è successo?
--Lui l'ha fatta sdraiare sul letto e l'ha sverginata senza darle il tempo di riprendere fiato.
-E' allora che l'hai ammazzato?
-No...eroparalizzato dallo shock,non sapevo che fare... non riuscivo a muovermi..
-E allora?
-Non contento il porco l'ha fatta girare e se l'è inculata... se ci penso mi tremano le mani!
-Ma quando l'hai ammazzato?
-Guarda...quando ha finito e s'è pulito il cazzo sulle tendine non c'ho visto più...

Two new cellemates sit in prison and discuss how they got there.
"Why are you in?"
"Me? For murder!"
"Who did you kill?"
"I killed my daughter's boyfriend."
"Why?"
"Make yourself comfortable, it's a long story. You see my daught was 15, and to me still just a baby. Her boyfriend was 10 years older than she was. One night after eating dinner at our house, he stayed over and locked himself in my daughter's room alone with her. Now I'm a father who is more or less modern, but when I started to hear wimpering my curiosity grew and I looked through the keyhole to see what they were doing..."
"What did you see?"
"That he was making her give him a blowjob..."
"So you knocked down the door and killed him?"
"No... I thought, 'I know my daughter sooner or later has to have a sexual experience,' so I let them contiune..."
"Then what happened?"
"He laid her out on the bed and took her virginity without even giving her the time to catch her breath."
"And so you killed him?"
"No... I was paralyzed from the shock. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't move."
"So what happened next?"
"The pig wasn't content, so he turned her over and took her in the ass. When I think of it, my hands tremble."
"But when did you kill him?"
"When he finished he cleaned his dick on the curtains and I couldn't take it anymore..."

(Okay, so that one wasn't that funny, but it's the joke that referenced the blowjob and hence how the page was found)

- - - Una donna si sveglia di notte e vede che suo marito non è a letto. Si infila una vestaglia e scende in cucina. Trova suo marito seduto con una tazza di caffè di fronte. Sembra che sia assorto in pensieri molto profondi e fissa un punto oltre il muro. Lei vede una lacrima scendere dagli occhi di lui mentre sorseggia il caffè.
- Cosa c'è caro? - sussurra lei entrando nella stanza - Perché non vieni a letto?
L'uomo, guardando il suo caffè risponde:
- Ti ricordi cara di 20 anni fa... quando abbiamo iniziato a frequentarci e tu avevi solo 16 anni?
- Si, me lo ricordo! - risponde lei.
Il marito sospira... le parole non gli vengono facilmente:
- Ti ricordi di quando tuo padre ci beccò sul sedile della mia macchina che facevamo l'amore?
- Sì che me lo ricordo... - risponde lei prendendo una sedia e sorridendogli dolcemente.
- E ti ricordi che tirò fuori un fucile, me lo puntò in faccia e mi disse: "O sposi mia figlia o ti mando in prigione per 20 anni?"
- Sì... mi ricordo anche questo... e con ciò?Un'altra lacrima sulla guancia...
- Oggi sarei uscito!!!

A woman wakes up one night and finds that her husband isn't in bed. She puts one a robe and goes to the kitchen. She finds her husband sitting at the kitchen table staring at a cup of coffee. He seems to be absorbed in deep thoughts and stares at a spot on the wall. She sees a tear roll down his cheek as he sips his coffee.
"What's wrong my darling?" she whispers as she enters the room. "Why don't you come to bed?"
Looking at his coffee, the husband responds, "My dear do you remember 20 years ago when we started seeing each other? You were only 16."
"Yes, I remember," she responds.
The husband sighs. The words don't come easily to him:
"Do you remember when your father caught us making love in my car?"
"Of course I remember," the wife says taking a seat and smiling sweetly.
"Do you remember that he pulled out a shotgun, pointed it in my face, and shouted, 'Marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years.'"
"Yes, I remember, what about it?"
Another tear falls down his face.
"Today I would have been free."

---Un uomo d'affari manda un fax alla sua donna:
"Mia Cara Moglie: Tu comprenderai che, ora che hai 54 anni, io ho dei bisogni che tu non puoi più soddisfare. Io sono felice con te, ti considero una moglie meravigliosa e sinceramente spero che tu non prenderai male il fatto che, quando riceverai questo fax, io sarò all'hotel Confort Inn con Vanessa, la mia segretaria, che ha 18 anni.Non ti arrabbiare, sarò a casa prima di mezzanotte."

Quando l'uomo arriva a casa, trova un foglio sul tavolo nella sala da pranzo:
"Caro Marito, ho ricevuto il tuo fax e non posso che ringraziarti per avermi avvertita. Approfitto di questa occasione per ricordarti che anche tu hai 54 anni. Inoltre, ti informo che quando leggerai questo messaggio, sarò all'hotel Fiesta con Michel, il mio istruttore di tennis, che, come la tua segretaria ha 18 anni.Visto che sei un noto uomo di affari, e, in più sei laureato in matematica, potrai facilmente comprendere che noi due ci troviamo in situazioni simili ma....con una piccola differenza: "il 18 entra più volte nel 54, rispetto al 54 nel 18"... quindi, non mi aspettare prima di domani!!!Baci dalla tua donna che ti capisce.

A businessman sends a fax to his wife:

"My dear wife: You understand that now that you are 54 years old, I have needs that you can't satisfy anymore. I'm happy with you, and I consider you to be a marvelous wife. I sincerely hope that you won't be terribly hurt by the fact that by the time you receive this fax I will be at the Comfort Inn with my secretary, Vanessa, who is 18. Don't be mad, I'll be home before midnight."

When he returned home, he found a note on the breakfast table.

"My dear husband: I received your fax and I can't thank you enough for letting me know. It would benefit you to remember that you are also 54 years old. Also, I'd like to inform you that when you read this message I will be at the Fiesta Hotel with Micheal, my tennis instructor, who like your secretary, is 18 years old. Since you are a noted bussinessman, and have a degree in mathematics, you can easily understand that we find ourselves ina similar situation, but with a small difference: 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18, so I won't be home until at least tomorrow morning!!!

Kisses,
Your understanding wife"

Dude, We're All Socialists...

I just took MikeyPants' (and Chipper's and IceBluer's) politics test, and I guess I'm on the Socialist bandwagon. Although I have to say that in an ideal world I would be a libertarian. I just have no faith that people will take care of each other, so economically I think I'll always tend towards socialism...

You are a Social Liberal (66% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (20% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

To Echo The Sentiments Of Alice...

Dear BlogSpammers:

Please fuck off and die. Gently. With a chainsaw.

Thank you.

The Management

Whoda Thunkit?

The afternoon didn't suck nearly as much as I had thought it would!

Rather than bombing my Micro test, I earned an 85% which ended up being the best grade in the class, so I set the curve. Sorry to brag, but this is my adventure in narcissism. Feel free to brag on your own blogs. I won't judge.

Then, Tim didn't even ask about cardio, he just said I was doing better than he expected. Life is good!

Although, I have just realized that I am out of groceries (excluding my stockpiling of Chef Boyardee and Kraft Cheese and Macaroni). I have a mortal fear of grocery stores. I'm shaking just thinking about it.

So, if any of you all in my general vicinty feel like making a grocery run, I'll give you money and stuff. My list goes as follows: 2% milk, shredded sharp cheddar cheese, bagged salad stuff (what can I say, I'm lazy), one of the big tubs of plain yogurt, granola cereal with raisins and almonds, 4 or 5 bananas, 3 pink grapefruits, 2 Stouffer's Macaroni and Cheese, and 3 cans of greens beans (I live dangerously, I know).

Thanks! ;0)

Anyway, Boy called me about 10 seconds ago asking if I can edit his resume, so I suppose I shall go do that. I hope you're all having a most fantastic evening. Talk to you later...

Hah!

Okay, so my test that should have been easy was actually quite a large pain in the ass. I think I shall now go bury my head in the sand somewhere. Or perhaps weep copiously in a corner for at least an hour.

I shall be exectuted in a most heinous manner during Micro (in about 45 minutes) after a dismal performance on last week's test.

And then I'll go have my limbs pulled off by an angry Tim. Because, as I predicted, I didn't do my cardio.

On a happy note, tomorrow my environmental science class is taking a field trip to go play in the mud and attempt to contract the illnesses that live in the ever-so-polluted waters of the South Platte River*. It would be nicer if it weren't at 8 in the morning, but what can ya do? It's better than a lecture.

Also, I hope it rains. Because the shitball who parked me in left his windows open (there were those nude girly mudflaps on the truck so I'm making the leap and assuming the car is owned, or at least driven, by a male. There is thunder and lightening and an ever darkening sky. The prospects for a downpour look fantastic.

*In Colorado we do not have proper rivers, it is much to dry for them, hence we call any bit of moving water scarcely bigger than a drunkard's stream of piss a "river"

Tim Will Yell At me

I haven't done my cardio this weekend. I have a treadmill in my basement and the gym is literally 5 minutes away from my house. But still. I have not done it.

Weight training, yes. I even taught Chipper a fun new way to strengthen his abs on my living room floor (called "the Plank" and if done correctly will make you burn in ways you didn't think possible). Cardio, no.

So, I'm dreading tomorrow night when I slink into the gym at 7 to meet Tim (personal trainer dude - henceforth referred to as "Tim" or "PTD"). He is bald (shaved head bald, not receding hair bald) and could kick just about anyone's ass, I'm pretty sure. He would make a very good drill sargeant and in my brilliance I have neglected to do my cardio which will make him very pissed off. Or at least that is how he will act. I have no doubt that he does not actually give a damn.

I still have 22 hours to do some cardio. But I probably won't. I mean, I've had the last 4 days and that didn't do me any good.

Perhaps I shall distract him by asking questions about his wife. He loves to talk about her. She's a professional nutritionist and he gets this huge fantastically goofy grin on his face whenever he talks about her. It's really quite adorable. But I pitty their (future) kids. They have no chance of becoming lazy-junk-food-eating-Americans. And that is half the fun of childhood.

Or perhaps I will just launch into travel stories. Oooh, or jokes. The problem with jokes is that I only know one that isn't dirty. Okay, two, but the second is so cheesey that I only bring it out with people I know won't throw things at me. Or make me do things that are painful.

Anyway, I have to go do some homeworkey stuff. I think I have a test tomorrow, too. But it's in an easy class...

Brain Function Low

I thought of something important and interesting to say. But I promptly forgot it. So the world shall now be deprived. It could have been THE answer. Like 42. But now we'll never know.

All I can think of now is that my toes are cold.

And my personality has changed. For most of my life, when given the Meyers-Briggs personality test I have been securely in the INFP range. Now, my world is rocking and shattering as we speak. I have become an INFJ.

Happily, I don't think there is any chance I will EVER become and extrovert.

This all makes the career management people at my university twitter nervously because hospitality people are supposed to be extroverts. How will I ever get a job in a hotel if I have never had the desire to join a sorority? How can I possibly hope to survive the Front Desk Experience if I don't find large groups of people remotely stimulating?

"Eh..." I say to them and roll my eyes. Why is introversion seen as such a bad thing? We're (generally) much less high maintenance than those loud talkative types. And we think about what we say and do before we do it.

I suppose it's a majority/minority thing. Kind of like left-handedness. Like Righties*, most people on the planet are extroverts and seem to be threatened by those miscreants who prefer to use their left hands and tend towards a quieter disposition.

Hmph. The nerve. I think I'll go cry in the corner for a while.

I can think of nothing else to type at the moment. Hopefully now MikeyPants will stop harassing me to post. ;0P

*I was born left-handed but my mother was horrified by the prospect of raising a left-handed child so I was forced to switch

Lets Do The Time Warp Again

I really don't understand how it is only 10:30 in the morning. I got out of class at 10 'til 10. But somehow it feels as though decades have gone by in the intervening 40 minutes. This matters (to me, anyway) because I still have another hour and a half before my next torture session (Career Management today). I'm convinced that I will die of old age before the clock strikes noon.

So, here I am. Blogging to alleviate my boredom. Although I have to say that blogging is really much more than that. I know I've been slacking recently (okay, for the last 3 months), but it's not that I don't think of you all. Quite the contrary. I was sitting on a horse in the middle of freakin' Kyrgyzia thinking of how I would caption my photos on the blog (I'll get to it someday). I blog in my brain all the time. I just never seem to make it to the computer.

Anyway, that just ate up another 6 minutes. I'll go think of something else to write and get back to you.

Chicken, Rooster, And A Cock

I so do not understand Blogger. Or maybe it's just computers in general. For the last 30 minutes it's been telling me I couldn't post for various reasons seemingly related to cookies (and not the chewy chocolately kind, the bastards). For some odd reason (probably because I have a sixth sense about Blogger) I kept trying anyway. And now, here I am. Back in all my glory. Or not.

Whatever.

I didn't disappear or die or get kidnapped or anything. I've just been busy. Or, more accurately, that odd combination of busy and lazy that allows you to have time and things to do but not actually get anything done.

Okay, so that's not entirely true either. I joined a gym. And discovered that Morning Star Farms "breakfast links" actually taste good and nearly have the texture of real meat. The gym thing is fun though, and for some odd reason I'm finding the muscle soreness motivating to go back. I never realized I was such a masochist! Heh...

I also got a 98% on my Environmental Science test which makes me happy. I have the malingering suspicion that the prof wanted me to try to argue with him about the 2 percentage points I was missing. Little did he know that I do not strive for perfection.

And I found out that one of my least favorite people on the planet (or at least at my university) is going on my trip to Russia. Sadly for him, his named is Peter, which makes it entirely too easy to call him a prick.

I got an email from one of the ladies from my Kyrgyz adventure yesterday. I never knew how to spell her name before, and I think there is a good reason for that. I would have written "Chikke, " but no, the silly Dutch people have to go and spell such names "Tsjjikke."

It was sort of funny the first time I was introduced to her... I thought they said her name was "Chicken" and then I was introduced to Rustam and I thought they said "Rooster." I wondered how I had ever gotten set up with a such a group of poultry-fixated people. Incidentally, the two of them have serious issues with each other that could potentially lead to extensive therapy. I think they should have just made out and gotten it over with, but no one asked me.

Okay, so I made that last bit up. There was no chemistry whatsoever between them, it was just fun to say.

As Per MikeyPants' Request

Comments on my daily life:

Microeconomics can bite my ass. Gently, of course. But still. Honestly I don't think I would mind half as much if the class were at a somewhat decent time, but the 4 to 6 time seems rather inhuman. And, because this is the way the world works, the MicroProf* would never dream of letting us out early.

I think I will survive the course, but only barely, and only because Joe and Random-Boy-From-Florida sit right behind me and heckle the prof the entire time (not loud enough for her to hear, but I can hear just fine, and that is all that matters).

Intro to Career Management is the biggest waste of time I have ever encountered. And to make it all worse, the prof used to work with my mother, so I have become her pet student. Which essentially means I am the technology slave in the classroom (she has problems finding the play button on the VCR remote).

Tomorrow, I have a meeting with my "Academic Coach" to see if I can manipulate the school into letting me take a class while I'm doing my externship (like an internship, but more structured and sadly, completely unpaid) so I can friggin' graduate when I friggin' want to.

On a completely unrelated note, today by some random laundry fluke I found a pair of black satin panties in the pocket of my hoodie.

Oh, and one of my dogs died while I was in Kyrgyzstan. She lived a good life, but she was old and lumpy and we more or less saw it coming. I just wish she could have hung on for another week so I could have said goodbye to her.

*She's a normal size person, but that is just fun to say

Ummm, Yeah...

Okay, so I'm still procrastinating. Although it's not even so much that I'm procrastinating at this point. I just have so many other things to do. Not to mention the fact that I just got a new computer (a Sony Vaio FS-something-or-other) and I've been playing The Sims 2 more or less non-stop for the last 4 days.

I never claimed I wasn't a geek.

Anyway, I will get around to the Kyrgyzstan adventure someday. I promise. It might just be next year.

I suppose I should mention that I'm going back.

Ummm, yeah...

I'm being called for dinner.

Talk to y'all later!

Stalling... Who Me?

Okay, so I've got the photos developed (if not in the computer yet). The stories are being neatly edited in my brain. My problem is that I don't feel like the story is quite over yet. I'm waiting for a bit of information. And then I'll be able to put it all together in a mostly satisfying package.

Anyway, for your previewing pleasure in the coming days expect to hear of the proper Danish pronunciation of the letter "D" in chocolate. You will learn fun new ways to say "Clearance Sale". You will hear an extended rant on the poor crisis management of British Airways. You will learn about the joys of going on a 9 day horse trek in Central Asia while all of your luggage is still in London. You will come to understand that cheap vodka doesn't mean bad vodka. And last but not least, you will learn that Russian cowboys fart loudly in their sleep.

Many other things too, of course, but that is a brief introduction to my adventurings...

Mmmm, Jetlag...

I'll be getting around to stories and pictures soon. Please have a bit of patience. I've only been home for 10 hours and most of that has been spent sleeping or on the phone with Chipper. Anyway, I thought it was very cute that I didn't have to change my watch coming back from Bishkek, but now I remember that jetlag is a bitch.

Tah tah for now... :0)